At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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