I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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