Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
