You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
