i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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