Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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