this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he thought i was a dude.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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