I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
