My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
