I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
