There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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