Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
