Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's just like the Real World with babies
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
