Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
