I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
