so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
