My friends, they love my intelligence
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
