Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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