I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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