So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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