fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
