why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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