piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
