and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
