Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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