He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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