i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
