ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
