chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
