How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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