I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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