Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
MIDGETS
????
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
where are my eyebrows?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
