Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
