As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
