I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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