Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
