I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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