oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
