You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
