Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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