Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
