i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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