It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
