Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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