I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
