You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
