After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
