so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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