Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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