I am in a vortex of obligation.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
