remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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