Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
