Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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