sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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