He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize