chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
