she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
