u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
