So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
