dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
