cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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