Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
FUCK WHALES
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
