turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
