Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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