Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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