he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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