dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
