I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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