3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I showed him my bush... on skype.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
