I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize