I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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